Two small confessions.

Everyone has a dark side, or things about them that they hate. These are the things you feel make you a bad person. Your personal demons.

Here are two of mine. Two I wish I could kick (among many).

1) I am vain and shallow. These things go hand in hand with me. I feel like at times I'm some fine connoisseur of sorts when it comes to aesthetic reasoning. It's not that I feel better or superior than anything else. In fact when I see something and make a snide, shallow comment- I feel it is a pure reflection of my vanity and instantly I feel shame. I am in fact the bad person that is less than what I was mocking. Even if I myself may or may not be- I just feel like the scum of the earth. Also, it generally reflects the same vain fear I have in myself.

I try to remind myself that loads of people look at me and think I am ugly, useless, unwanted, inappropriate for love, undeserving of life itself, ect. I try to reason that everyone feels this way from time to time, but it always makes me feel worse every time it happens.

2) I can not communicate with people. I am not proud of this, but I seriously hate talking to people because when I need things to happen a certain way, I always meet people who disagree and refuse or agree and backstab. There for 90% of the time I genuinely feel that communicate with people and therefore, have few friends as well. I have had 'backstabbing friends'. I never give myself fully to friendships because I see these creatures at work and I can't ever trust someone. I have very few friends because of this situation. If you can stick out my unwillingness to communicate and general introvert behavior, you are well worth it.

This, however, does not work in day to day life. I find myself unable to instruct employees the way I should because of this stupidity and fear of stupidity. Even if it is completely fine, I'll think other wise.


I dream of peace and love and a world where these flaws do not haunt me. I dream of a place that I live peacefully amongst many friends and have no shallow thoughts at all. Beauty is everywhere and in my dream world I can see it clearly! Love is all around and in my dreams, I feel it more than i ever have. In my dreams, I am truly pretty, inside and out. My beauty is only matched by the next person's, and so on. We gather hands and roam the land in happiness. My son and boyfriend are there and we are all on the same plane. That is what this bohemian dreams sometimes. That I live in the world where I am truly a bohemian- mind, body, and soul throughout this time and into the next.